I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
