Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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