well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
