I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
