Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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