The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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