im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
