I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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