So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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