you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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