i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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