i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
