i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
bring money and cleavage
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
