There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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