You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
