i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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