Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
