alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
