Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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