i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
