i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
