Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
