Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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