I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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