your parents love me but you hate me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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