just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
