How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
