why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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