If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
