My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
