I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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