I'm jealous of your bromance
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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