Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
