remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
