You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
