he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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