Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
