I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I faked an abortion last night.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
