You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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