Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Randomize
