1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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