was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
