i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
