The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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