actually, I'm a sock model
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Randomize
