My Higher Power is John Stamos
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
