I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
