Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
