just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
