Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
