oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I've blown a few things in my day
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The best revenge is premature balding
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
